Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Fear of Failure

The day of reckoning has dawned. My doom, err, destiny is upon me. Tonight I will officially attend my first college class. Well, I’ve taken a couple other classes but one was word processing—duh—and the others were bible classes. This is the first class I’m taking because I want to and with the intent of taking more and actually pursuing a degree.

My professor posted the syllabus on the school website. I printed it out today. Not too horrible, only 4 essays and the final exam besides the other routine homework/reading assignments. The reading, the class work, the papers, the research—none of this bothers me! Especially when reading and writing are two things I enjoy.

Do you know what strikes fear down into the southern-most, nether regions of my tummy? Speaking in front of the class you guess? Nope, I’m a talker--anywhere, anytime, anybody. It’s the fact I’m going to have to critique my classmates’ (ie. 18-20 year olds) work and possibly, more than likely, form ‘study groups’ with them. I don’t want to be the ‘old fogey’ nobody wants in their group. I don’t want to be picked last in gym class (which by the way I have to take a Phys Ed credit WHAT? and I really am scared of math and science but that’s for another post on another day). And probably the most true, real reason I am wracked with fear? I don’t want to look stupid! How vain and selfish is that reason? And yet I freely admit it and almost revel in my vanity and selfishness.

Obviously my good and gracious heavenly Father already knows this character flaw of fear which runs rampant through my soul. It just so happens my niece (who is a partner in our children’s ministry at church, a very dear friend, and a couple of years older than me) has also decided to pursue her degree. She and I will be braving College Comp I - English 111, together! I cannot tell you how thankful I was to find out we had signed up for the same class!

So once I recover from the shock of it all I’ll post and let you know how my first class went! Right now I’m off to scrounge up a notebook and some pens that work for my college class debut! And to take a few more Advil Cold and Sinus, thanks Josie for sharing your germs and making mommy sick for her first class.

Maybe my prayer should be that I don’t fall asleep in class from all the drugs I’ve been popping today… about embarrassing!

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