Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Working out the tough stuff

This one won't be light and flippant.
(Just thougt I'd warn you.)

I wrote this several months back.  Things are shaping up and dredging up all of the hurt and fears that I've been dealing with for a while now.  And as I read this over, I still have all of this ugly inside of me.  I've lost my belief in good things happening.  To me specifically.  I feel blank inside.

In my devotion this morning, it challenged me to ponder the areas in my life that God would consider me heardheaded in.  Yep, fun stuff, this.
Here we go.

I'm ungenerous.
I'm holding on to a hurt that is probably past its expiration date.
I feel alone.  A lot.
I now firmly believe that if I get to a happy place, I better watch out, that's when that lovely plush carpet gets yanked out from beneath me. 
I'm cynical now.  (You couldn't tell could you?)

These are things I don't like about me.  I'm pretty sure that God considers me hardhearted with all of these flaws in my character.
The devotion was about living in God's presence.  I haven't done that in a while now.  I have been, well, surviving.
When I look at the last year and a half, my struggles don't even come close to what others suffer.  I really am a blessed woman.  And I know that.  Getting that knowledge to translate, there's the rub.
Sure, I had to move away from a home I loved to one I hated.  Go from a church that we adored to a square peg church that weekly rubbed raw my round peg spirit.  And once that year was over, I had to give up time with my family so that I could work at a grunt job that pays more in frustration than money.

I'm disgruntled.
I'm pretty badly warped.
I'm hardhearted.

What to do with all of this?
Griping about it in a blog post really won't do anyone any good.  Even if confession is good for the soul, you can't just stop there. 
How do you heal a wound that changed your entire outlook on life?  And if it heals, does the outlook automatically change back?  I know I can't do any of this on my own.

I need help.

But then I hit that trust brick wall.  And there's that fear that if things to work out for our good, the other shoe is just waiting to drop.

I'm broken.

I'm certain this won't be a quick fix.  I've got some deep issues to work through. 
I feel like I should be better at this.  I feel guilty that I'm not.  I pretend things are fine most of the time.  It's exhausting to be the downer.  (Ironic, this being a depressing post, huh?)  So I hole it all up and tuck it all away.
I'm not looking for sympathy here.  I'm just putting it all out there.  I'm hoping that by coming out, I can put the mask away.  I'll have to.
My daily devotion is helping.  It's obviously rooting me out.  Stirring up all the ugly I have inside.
Maybe one day I can come back here and report that I'm a beautiful soaring creature again, but for now, I feel like a troll.  And I want to go back to hiding in a cave.