Some days I am crushed by the weight of making decisions. All decisions, the big, scary, life-changing parenting/career decisions and the itty-bitty 'what's for dinner' decisions. I love my family. I know it's cliche but they are truly my pride and joy. They are also my identity. Thankfully it's one I've worn proudly for many years. (I'm sure I'll continue to display the Mom badge on my vest for many years to come! I've earned it!)
(Awe, aren't they cute little, life force drainers? I kid, I kid! I adore them!)
But I know God has begun to plant the tiniest seed of a new dream deep within my soul. And I am afraid of what He's going to ask of me. I tremble to even ask Him what the plan is or what it might (and I stress MIGHT) entail.
But on rare days, like today, I dream of accepting the position without even reading the requirements. My dreams soar and dip and twist. They send my pulse racing with excitement and at the same time my chest tightens in anxiety. (Dare I hope that you, my sweet little blog, will be part of this change?)
There it is again, that fear of the unknown comes creeping back. No, not fear of the unknown, fear of exposure. Exposing a new identity to my world. Showing a different side of me, the 35-year-old, mother of four who could stand to lose a few (okay a bunch) of pounds.
I hide behind my four beautiful children. I hide behind my home. I hide behind my responsibilities. I hide behind my weight. I hide behind my mom uniform (jeans and a plain black tee). I hide behind my routine in the every day.
So in the year of our Lord two thousand and eleven, I'm making a to-do list. No goals or resolutions.
Number one on my list? Rediscovering me. I don't have a 12 step program or even a *new* self-help book. Nope, I'm gonna do that by doing this:
Loving the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, and all my mind. ~paraphrasing Matt. 22:27
May 2011 bring you many days of peace, happiness, love, discovery, and of course many, many days of staying in your PJs til Noon.
